"I really don't think I should be here...."
I was texting my friend who works at the biggest hospital in our city. I was IN the hospital. Not as a patient or for having a baby. No, this time I was training to be a Chaplaincy volunteer. Part of a roomful of people doing a 2 day course on how to be a ward volunteer, support people who wanted to talk to a Christian in their time of need, to talk to anybody, perhaps.
Bear in mind I'd done a placement in this area before for my ministry training. But that's not why I felt reluctant. I felt that God was dragging me here. I'd waited two years to do the course (4thSister arriving in the interim!) and now it didn't feel the same. I didn't understand why I was being brought here. During coffee break, I texted my friend. "I really don't think I should be here...."
And then, of course, it happened. A talk from one of the Chaplains about why we were there to do the work. And I understood again. From being in a place where I couldn't comprehend the amount of suffering around me, I began to see it as a place of healing. From feeling overwhelmed to feeling empowered, remembering what set this journey in the first place. In minutes. Seconds, perhaps. Sometimes, God works like that. (With me, anyway. I literally need a kick up the behind in the way He knows best how to do.)
Earlier in the week I'd felt that I should be working in a school, perhaps, and following a slightly different fork on the path. I don't think this is being ruled out entirely. But I felt I wanted to be working with children, rather than adults. Felt that they made me feel rewarded and see the point in what I do. I'm a big believer in the St Ignatius way of looking at our vocations, whether it's motherhood, ministry, music, more.
So I've only been asked to be on a team in the Children's Hospital, supporting children and their families. Asked to try it and, if I ENJOY it, if it FULFILS me - ME - to continue. If it's the right fit, for God's plan in my life. Again - Sometimes, God works like that.
Yesterday I had a whirlwind tour of the place. Oncology, renal, short stay, long stay. The school. The youth club. Indoor play areas. It is astounding, the breadth and depth of illness and treatment, suffering and salvation. It might be my place. To be like Jesus for people. I may not have thought I should be there, but God does seem to have other ideas.
|The Little Children Being Brought to Jesus - an etching by Rembrandt|