I feel that things have improved 1000% since then. I've been to a couple of exercise classes, come off the prescribed medication, stopped panicking about the baby not following a routine. Whatever happened, it gave me the kickstart I needed to begin to relax about mothering the 4Sisters. (I have to get past all this before I can even think about how to be a wife, sadly!) Ironically, though, because I felt so out of it, even reading scripture daily on my phone seemed hugely difficult. All the plans I made for prayer and so on fell by the wayside.
I was lying awake in the wee hours last night and asked Jesus out loud to 'Remember Me.' And then I almost felt a flood of shame, and laughed. Because He always remembers. God knitted us in the womb and knows the number of hairs on our heads. He searched for me, a lost sheep, for years without ever quitting and is beside me every day, whether I choose to recognise that or not. Just because I'm not participating in communal worship, lighting my candles, or skipping past All Things Bright and Beautiful on my hymns playlist, I'm always on his infinite heart. Even if I feel that he's not on mine.
Because in all fairness, I don't think I could be doing it without the support of God. I spoke to someone yesterday (in a conversation which to me strengthened my response to my calling, and which I really should journal!) about how in our worst of times, we tend to reject God, or our faith gets shaky, or we get angry with Him, just when His support is most crucial.
But that support is always there - it's just our perception of it that shifts. We are always remembered, we are always on His mind, which is humbling when you think of everything else crucially important in the universe which is also His responsibility. We each matter to Him, more than we can love our own child.
We're not just remembered. We're prioritised.
We're comforted. We're helped.
And we're brought home, when we eventually realise that Jesus was walking right beside us all along, helping us stand and get through the days. Together with medicine, exercise, food, family, friends and all the other kinds of assistance we can find in life if we're lucky, we're spiritually bound to a get-well-soon system that is always there for us, if we choose to recognise it and let it help us.
We may feel abandoned by everyone, including God. But the reality is, He never forgets us.
Let yourself be remembered.....
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well. (Psalm 139)
Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. (Matthew 10: 30-31.)