Keeping up with the world's standards

But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made - 

Luke's Gospel, Chapter 10, Verse 40.

The BBC drew my attention to the following article today - a Netmums (yes Netmums, not the controversial Mumsnet!) piece on how breaking one's back aspiring for parenting perfection is making life difficult for many parents out there.

Coupled with the fact that the Mary/Martha post I read this week wasn't much about the Mary & Martha story from the gospels like I hoped it would be (although it did contain lots of beautiful American craft for the home), my poor dear brain started thinking about parenting in terms of Mary, Martha and Jesus.

In case this is all too holy for you, the REAL start of this was my husband and I trying to decide which child is going to get a bath next and when in this house. We decided it has to be the stinkiest with the muckiest nether regions. Granted, we are in a post-operative lull (I now have a throat and chest infection, despite coming on leaps and bounds without a gallbladder) and one parent is doing mostly everything. But it wasn't that long back that I had a bath schedule whereby each child took a slot - Monday and Thursday, Tuesday and Friday or Wednesday and Saturday. (Extra points if you realised that the schedule was inspired by 1980s UK TV programming. I still think of them in my head as the Blue Peter, Grange Hill, or Young Person's Drama slots.) We were moving on from survival mode. What happened to that?!?!

And actually, I don't really mind. (I minded even less when I was whacked out on morphine, of course.) We have four kids now and although the regularity of bathtime, bedsheet changing, shoe cleaning, haircutting and nail clipping isn't as regular as most people's seems to be, I've made my peace with it.

(Big confession time: FOR THE RECORD, I HAVE NEVER, EVER CUT MY KIDS' NAILS. )

Mainly with us, this is because of priorities. Every 6 months I make sure they go to the dentist for their check up. They have an annual appointment at the opticians. They have to do swimming lessons until they can swim lengths. They eat three reasonably well-balanced meals a day containing a reasonable balance of protein, fruit and veg and carbs and I like to produce home-baked and home-cooked food as much as possible. They clean their teeth before bed. My priorities.

Let's add in school's priorities. 20 minutes reading per evening, preferably supervised. Mathletics every week. Other homework. Clean uniform and PE kit. Coat or hat. Water bottles. School trip form and money. Charity donation. 'Fun' day fancy dress costume. Something for the bake sale. An entry for the colouring competition. A response to an assembly challenge. Class problems. Friend problems.

JESUS, LOOK AT ALL THE THINGS THERE ARE TO GET DISTRACTED BY!!!!

Oh, wait, there's more!

As (and we, like others I know, do this prayerfully, so as not to burn out our children and their joy) we do encourage our children to practise their talents and get exercise. Whether or not this should be 4 dance lessons a week for 2ndSister, plus a musical theatre class, a regular swim and visit to a park or an outdoor walk, it is, we made that decision. Did I mention, too, that because I enjoy hanging out with my husband, there is special time with him to schedule in, ringfence and enjoy?

And because I do listen to Jesus' requirements from me in my life, over and above general parenting, there are also my other priorities, of course. The church worship. The theological discussion. Sitting down to eat as a family. Thanking God for our food. Taking part in church council. Delivering young people's ministry. Trying out some preaching. Thinking about which desserts to make for our Chuch Harvest Supper.

Has your head exploded yet? Mine does, regularly. But we are a family with four children and we are doing our best. And my best is good enough. It's rarely as good enough as anyone else's 'middling'. It's often as good as most people's 'scraping the barrel'. But it's enough. Because there's a lot to do without striving to be perfect at it and add in extra stuff too (cough, Pinterest, cough.)

It clearly remains, however, a constant process of trying to catch up, always doing or thinking, in a 21st Century world. Despite my huge, unwavering faith, it's always easy to be distracted away from Jesus.

But I still don't think I'm really a Martha.

I believe the reason Martha couldn't sit down and listen at Jesus' feet because she wanted all the domestic stuff to be the best it could possibly be before she could rest in him. She couldn't let go. Not even for one afternoon. Because Mary wasn't helping, Martha played the martyr. She did over and above what was expected of her - domestically, at least.

Martha to me comes across as an ideal comparison to the harassed, must-do-it-all parent. Surrounded by the ideal of what things should be like, much of our humanness is Martha-esque. We strive for perfection. We compare ourselves to others. We stress that we are not good enough. We try and guilt trip others for not doing things our way. We take over when they don't do it our way, or don't do it all, whether because we think they are incompetent or because they are prioritising other things over what we perceive to be the most important thing in the world right now! But we aren't getting any respite. And we are slowly killing ourselves doing it.

Not that I'm suggesting we adopt a permanent Martha-state, dropping the domestic duties at every opportunity. (My other half would argue that's how I operate in general, I'm sure.) But in amongst the chaos of the workind and parenting week, when was the last time you took the chance to do any of the following?

• gaze for a long time at a sunset
• say YES to something unscheduled even though it means more mess/hassle in the household
• engage in silly play with your spouse or child
• bake a cake just because
• draw something that's only good enough
• go ahead with a craft idea that's not Pinterest worthy but is from the heart
• take a walk in nature even though cakes for the PTA meeting won't get made
• realise the Christmas cards won't get written this year, and that's OK
• let the table get set wonky because your kid did it, without correcting her
• realise that your spouse is resting because he needs to, not because he is lazy.

I really do think we need more Mary-ness in our lives.

And also, I mentioned that a lot of things that don't get done in our house seem to get done a lot more often at other people's. And this may generally be the case, whether it's due to perfectionist tendencies, a smaller family, or simply being better than I am in the domestic and parenting arena. But often, it's about perception. Possibly my favourite blog EVER, My Child I Love You, is a visual and narrative love letter by a mother to her family. I find it inspiring. The way that woman does so many things so well! It's an inspiration - but it's not a competition. It's an example - but it doesn't sit in judgement. I have never found myself drawn to compare our families, our parenting, the way we write, make dinner, do morning baths, get our children's hair combed and beautifully parted and make sure we exercise (OK there's maybe a little aspiration in there from me!). I just let myself be humbly and quietly guided by her, knowing that, as the food blogger Deliciously Ella wrote so eloquently this week, what we see on the internet doesn't tell the whole story of someone's life. Because do you know - there's no point me worrying that I can't keep up with the Kardashians, when it breaks my heart that someone I know out there is made to feel she's not good enough, because she doesn't do things as well as I do! I won't even mention the many things she does that I can't even contemplate trying to imagine I could do (ahem, raising hundreds of thousands of pounds for charity on a regular basis.)

And Jesus doesn't do this. He doesn't make us feel that we are inadequate in our earthly tasks. When He asks us to serve him, He simply tells us to put Him first. We don't need to measure our achievements on a perfectionist scale. We don't need to compare our results to others. Yes, there are certain things that have to be done, but we can fool ourselves as to the importance of others. Are we regularly resting in Him? Does our prayer life feed what we do? Are we as spiritually full as we can be? Or are we being distracted by the incredibly demanding duties of parenting to the extent that become like Martha?


“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” - Luke's Gospel, Chapter 10, Verses 41-2.

If you are struggling to be Mary-like in this season of your life, you may find inspiration in the following resources:

Lindsay's blog at My Child I Love You
Advice on finding your inner child and playing more with your offspring
The Happiness Project
Ann's blog at A Holy Experience
The Jennifer Fulwiler Life Pyramid

The book 'Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World'
The hilarious and heartfelt Five Kids is a Lot of Kids
(and maybe even the reminder I wrote to myself about how to Kickstart One's Prayer Life).

Seven Quick Takes: the Post-Op, Bedrest Edition

1.

I had my gallbladder removed last week and in the subsequent days not being able to do much physically or mentally I had the opportunity to explore to the full what to do when boredom hits. Feeling redundant having withdrawn from my domestic and ministerial roles temporarily, I had no choice but to patiently wait until things returned to the new normal. And yes, I have the opportunity to move on from this stage, but I think the things I learned may apply to a longer period out of action.

2.

The thing I am mostly thankful for is the radio. In the UK we are privilege to be able to access political, historical, arts and faith programmes via BBC Radio 4 but as I understand it there is a lot of talk radio around that can help pull a person out of a post-Netflix quagmire. Not that there aren't documentaries on Netflix, but I found looking at a TV screen helped maintain my jellified brain, whatever the programming. Quality radio engages the brain and helps you feel included in a community and/or society even when you can't get out of bed.

3.

Food! I blogged about part of this yesterday, because just thinking about preparing food enlivens me even though it can be disheartening not to be able to leap up and fix a snack myself. But I realised early on in my recovery that I needed to shove as many nutrients in my body as possible to raise it out of its post-op lethargy. And I wasn't afraid to task my husband with this, rather waiting for him to feed me when he was hungry. Chopped apple and raisins took me back to preschool days. There was a fruit salad. My evening meals were a thousand times better than hospital food, prepared with love and brought up on a tray by one or two family members. I even ate banana, which I don't enjoy much, because someone prepared me a banana snack. And it helped my recovery.

4.

Prayer. On the one hand, this is a no-brainer, but on the other hand I have found it difficult to concentrate mentally and spiritually. Spending time in contemplative prayer or even following a short service in a book eluded me. Luckily I have the Northumbria Community's CD (check out their new prayer books!) on my iPhone and praying offices regularly during the day, however short, re-established some routine to both regular and prayer life. And can I just say that lying here, thinking of all the people I know, individually, in my family, congregation and wider community, asking God to hold them in his care at this time, was a darn sight easier than when I have my other commitments to attend to!

5.

People. I shared news of my operation with quite a few people, which is a step up for me, used to keeping it private. And while I was sat here, fatigued, unable to deal with visitors but feeling isolated and lonely, it was a pleasure to receive cards, flowers and other messages from people who cared. Despite my tiredness, I could still text or message on Facebook. I didn't feel completely alone.

Playdoh fun

6.

The Domestic Arena. Prior to my operation, I was organised. I rearranged the girls' wardrobes and walked my husband through where the clean clothes lived for each child. I reminded him of the laundry schedule (including bedsheets and towels) and planned dinners and ingredients for the first week, and then the next two weeks once I felt a little better. I mentioned things like playdoh craft as a good activity they hadn't done  for a while. I even drew up a plan of what the girls needed in their packed lunches as what is a relatively straightforward task can actually rely on a lot of variables! By the time I was able to, I could listen to music practice and encourage homework. I couldn't do much, but I did what I could to ensure things went smoothly.

7.

Finally, I consciously and unconsciously practised an attitude of gratitude. It is easy to always want more and different when you are lying there incapable. At times I needed socks on, wanted my laptop and couldn't make it out of bed for fresh water. But I had to be patient and tolerant and lower my expectations as I knew my husband had 4 children, a house and a business to look after at the same time. I'm sure I was at least a little snappish but I tried to show how thankful I was for the small things. My other half has been a complete hero and attended to so many of my needs. Which means I am going to put up with extremely overgrown leg hair for the moment as I think asking him to shave them would be just a step too far!

Join Kelly at This Ain't the Lyceum for more Quick Takes to find out more about the lives, Catholic and otherwise, that inspire me to blog, parent, learn and live life well.

The body as a temple?

As I sit here recovering from having my gallbladder removed, I'm reminded of the duty I have to myself and my family to keep the body I was blessed with in the best condition I can. Which isn't easy because:

1) my parents were steeped in post-war dietary habits when I was young including bread and beef dripping, fried bacon with white bread smeared in lard from the frying pan, deep fried chipped potatoes and egg cooked in the same pan (did I mention had to have my gallbladder out?!)

Pure beef fat! Once used to fill hungry tummies as a last resort.

2) I like chocolate. And cheese. Especially cheese. Exploring a low fat diet over the past decade has not been simple. I lack willpower even when I know foods are harmful.

3) I am limited by the exercise I can do. I would love to go on long hikes but I don't have time, I can no longer swim comfortably due to pelvic problems, it's a hassle to get to the early morning aerobic class I can attend (see note above on willpower)

4) I'm human!

Nevertheless, I feel I owe it to my family, the congregation I minister to, the hospital I volunteer in and most of all myself to do my best on this one, keep moving as much as possible and eat (and drink!) healthily so that nothing is in the way of me doing my work here on this earth. A lot of it is about honouring God but I feel I owe it to myself too, to be kind to my body, to expose it to good nutrients (as well as a small amount of indulgence because I want to fully experience life). And luckily there are other people around to help me do that.

Although I don't need to be gluten or dairy free I'm inspired by people like Amelia Freer and Deliciously Ella who help me pack protein, vitamins and minerals in my body and make it tasty too - breakfast pots with chia seeds, oats, yogurt and fruit are like a dessert in taste and so brilliant. Jamie Oliver's new book is on my Christmas list too; he is currently on a crusade for us to consume less refined sugar, which I find helps with not only my energy levels and my temperament!

Inspiring stuff

I have always found that feeding other people feeds me; I love the creative process of entertaining, in particular. Being able to see others enjoy wonderful food is a special gift. Hospitality is crucial for creating a space where people can comfortably develop relationships, learn new things and feel that they have had a blessing bestowed on them. Attending a church course where we were fed bread and soup illustrated mission in action so simply and effectively to me. Reading about the Thistle Stop Cafe in the Church Times this week reminded me how I important I think this type of behaviour is. There is plenty of other writing on this - I think in particular of my copy of Shauna Niequist's "Bread and Wine".

To go off on a tangent, it strikes me in the 21st century that although some people simply need a generic type of physical - as well as spiritual - sustenance, because they are hungry, we might need to practice food inclusivity for coeliacs, vegans, vegetarians, diabetics and others who need specific types of feeding. I remember reading that we may pat ourselves on the back for using fruit as a prop in children's ministry rather than candy, but this does not help if we have a diabetic kid in our midst. It's about meeting people where they are, in a way, showing them we care, and teaches us patience when it can seem difficult or that certain diets are awkward. St John's Church in Carrington, Nottingham has introduced gluten-free Holy Communion where it is necessary. I hope to bake a gluten-free apple or rhubarb crumble for our Harvest Supper - just in case! Ooh, how about a maple syrup and oat crumble - getting excited now! I miss being able to plan and make beautiful, tasty food which is also healthful:

Chia pots topped with peach, honey and vanilla
compote and sprinkled with seeds.

It's not long since my general anaesthetic and subsequent morphine haze so this post is all over the place, but I think my message is this - serving food feeds the stomach, the mind, and the soul. I strive to do this and hope I can encourage others to do so, whether they are culinary whizzes or not. And if cooking for large numbers in a home or faith setting feels intimidating, you only need something like Sarah Stancliffe's 'The Christian Aid Book of Simple Feasts: Cooking for a Crowd Through the Christian Year.'

Harvest Supper, here I come :-)