7 Quick Takes: Snippets and Snapshots

It's half term holiday here, so it's been me and the Sisters all week. This has been both positive and... not so much. I would have preferred advance warning for 4thSister to drop her nap at such a crucial time, for starters! As such my Quick Takes are random, homespun and simultaneously of profound importance. For even more important, Saintly blogging, however, you should instead head somewhere like here.

1.

Every so often a family dynamic shifts, subtly or otherwise. It's been a drastic one this holidays. 3rd and 4thSister, ages 5 and 2 and a half, decided they were best friends. They have melded into a unit. Even when 2ndSister, the Babysitter and Fun Instigator has been absent, I have been able to do jobs while they play. Which has had me saying Hallelujah! because - did I mention that 4thSister has dropped her nap, just like that, no word, no warning?!?! And twelve hours of her incessantly is pretty, um, incessant. The sensitive, mature 5 year old has intuitively worked out how to manage her little sister, and, obviously, if that doesn't work, resorts to shouting loudly at her (she learned from the best, or, possibly, me). The relationship is not without conditions, however. Although fully potty trained, 4thSister likes hanging out with 3rdSister so much it's sometimes too much fun to make it to the toilet. Or wipe. Or pull up her pants (panties, for those across the pond) afterwards. 3rdSister is wise to this:

3rdSister: Come and sit on my knee! Wait a minute - you have got pants on haven't you? Phew, that's OK then.

I have no idea what they are doing.

2.

They are busy, frustrating, messy, loud and startlingly cute at times. On Wednesday they ventured out into the night to collect 2ndSister from dance class. What with the clocks going back, it's stupidly dark stupidly early. The street was patterned with orange and red lights from the streetlamps and house alarms. They are used to venturing outside only in daylight, I now realise; they were awestruck.

3rdSister: Wow!
4thSister: Oh! Pitty! [Pretty, for those who require translation.]

3.

There has to be a food one with me. I tried the Pioneer Women's squash quesadillas this week. I didn't have Kale. Martha Stewart does hers with chicken so I tried that. I was not enamoured. Not my favourite way to eat squash. (Do even I have a favourite way to eat squash? Probably not. Just soup.)

4.

2ndSister's Graveyard Cake creation with Grandma was much more of a success. Looked and tasted good. Or evil, as we are talking about marshmallow tombstones dripping with blood.

Cake: A Guide

5.

1stSister (with money she has set aside) chose to get her hair dyed at the salon (by my hairdresser and church friend who was also cajoled into lopping 3rdSister's off because, you know, why should she be allowed a coffee break?) instead of letting me do my usual patchy job. (I've been with the kids all week, I am allowed stupidly long sentences with too many clauses.) What with her book of drawings and love of literature, it feels like she will be swanning off to university before too long when I look at her in snapshot. (She just turned eleven).

New hair. New era.

6.

I took two of the sisters to Holy Communion with me on Tuesday, because we stayed at home on Sunday. It was a beautiful service in so many ways. 1stSister listened to the priest talking about poverty in our twin church in Mutanga Nord, Burundi, and on the recent Diocesan trip to India - and got home and started googling to find out more. "I know, I'm such a nerd!" she said. (Refer to point 5.)

7.

It's been different and definitely less fun without FabDad around this holiday. Also 2ndSister went on her first two night sleepover to Grandma's. She's our full on extrovert so it was definitely quieter without her around. On her return I played 'Family Rules' Monopoly with her (= "her rules".) These rules included using only one dice meaning it was impossible for me to roll a double to get out of jail. Inexplicably, this induced five minutes of hysterical laughter in us both.

4thSister has this gift too. This morning as I wrestled slipped her into her pumpkin princess outfit she spoke about the yummy gingerbread pumpkin she decorated and ate yesterday, and then frowned. "I DON'T LIKE SPIDERS!" she insisted. I couldn't stop laughing. (Extra points if you can guess which of the pumpkins below was decorated by a 2 year old who couldn't wait to eat it before I had chance to photograph them.)



Happy All Hallow's Eve and All Saints' Day, wherever you are and however you spend them!

More Quick Takes infinitely more amusing than these will be found over at Kelly's this and every subsequent Friday. Enjoy!

   

The Chocolate Teapot Tales Part Two: Meeting the Baby

Meeting the Baby: Advice which may be as welcome or useful as a Chocolate Teapot!

After 1stSister was born, I remember everyone turning up at the hospital at once. A best friend was flying back to the UAE and it was her only chance to visit; my grandmother had rocked up at the hospital unannounced, because that was how she rolled. There were two sets of parents meeting their first grandchild; baby's aunt and uncle lived nearby and could visit.

Mum & 1stSister in hospital 

Only thing, I was in no fit state to talk to anyone, let alone introduce my baby.

1stSister was almost two weeks overdue, not ready to meet the world at all. 48 hours later, 'failed' water birth, 'failed' first stage, 'failed' second stage, epidural, forceps attempt (which got her down but she went back up - did I mention that recalcitrance to meet the world?) and finally an emergency caesarean that got her delivered safely. If I didn't have PTSD, I had something akin to it (and would soon be experiencing extreme postnatal anxiety) and spent the next couple of nights barely sleeping, experiencing anxiety and flashbacks, and trying to learn breastfeed a hungry baby who was desperate for my milk to come in. (Thankfully at this time midwives would still take your baby off to the night nursery on the ward so you could get some sort of rest.)

I can look back on this time positively now - I spent a total of five nights in the hospital before she and I were discharged, and although I was absolutely exhausted, I was well looked after and although the delivery was not what I had planned, there are some beautiful memories I take from it, and 1stSister was here to stay!

But still. FabDad was similarly completely out of his depth in managing the situation; he simply couldn't comprehend the unfathomable exhaustion I was experiencing following a difficult delivery which involved surgery. Add a first baby into the mix and even the simplest things became a challenge. Like talking. Thinking. Being. Neither of us had the wisdom, the innocence or the audacity to say: there is no way on earth anyone else can come and meet the baby right now. Come in a couple of days when things have settled down. Better still, wait until mother and baby are home.

I feel your pain, 1stSister

I hadn't read the words of wisdom I saw on the internet this week (that I will reference if I find out what it was!) that reminded me to write this post, which suggested that later on, no one will hold it against you that they didn't meet the baby until she was two, three, four days old. And, let's face it, some people will hold it against you, because people are people. But I think it's important to try and distinguish between other people's expectations, and your own.

Because I was overjoyed to meet my baby, and could have benefited from some time getting to know her, with her father sitting with us, becoming a family unit. But I had it in my head that others would be equally overjoyed to meet my baby, and that the sooner they met her, the better. I knew there was a priority order that should be followed - grandparents, grandparents, great grandparent, aunt & uncle, and that bad things would happen if this wasn't played out. Like most things to do with parenting at this stage, I was completely inflexible, and at the total mercy of what I assumed others' expectations were. In retrospect, those first few days at the hospital didn't need to have been full of people

Having just recently had a minor keyhole operation eleven years on, where I struggled to get out of bed for two weeks, I realised just how challenging a caesarean section is when you are having to attend to a newborn. To get recovered, you need sleep. You need feeding. You don't need to entertain visitors and you certainly don't need to put pressure on yourself for everyone to meet your baby. Whether in the hospital, or at home. I did feel completely different after my one vaginal delivery, and went home the same day, but I suspect it's the same principle. Introduce baby when you are ready. While it's not possible to have rational judgement post-partum, it's up to you and your partner to decide how imperative it is for other people to meet baby. If you have more than one child, it changes the picture even more - it's of primary importance for siblings not only to bond with the new baby, but to feel secure in the family unit rather than pushed out by a constant stream of visitors.

3rdSister

(Funnily enough, when 2ndSister was born and I was in hospital on my birthday, things worked out differently. My parents were away, FabDad had 1stSister at home to look after, and I felt unbelievably lonely! When my grandmother did her whole turning up unannounced thing this time, I was so happy to see her and the bunch of grapes she brought with her. 3rdSister, I was home in a hop, skip and a jump before anyone had chance to say "when are visiting hours?" By my third C-Section, with 4Sister, nobody was bothered came to see us at the hospital at all - my husband brought the girls in, and that was enough, and nobody questioned it.)

2ndSister

How you deal with things post-baby is certainly up to you, and you may be pressed upon to conform with familial and cultural expectations - but I plead with you not to do as I did first time round and assume I knew what other people's expectations were. I certainly see the lack of rest and recovery as a factor in post-partum difficulties I encountered. The first few days, the first week, need to well-managed if possible, especially if you have had a difficult delivery and/or do not have people to look after you and your home. If people are coming, get them to bring food and take your washing and ironing! Similarly, if there are expectations to be somewhere - work, church, someone else's event - and you simply can't be there, try and manage your, and others', expectations of this, if at all possible.

1stSister; hospital blanket & bruised nose from forceps

Once at home, I kept up with the steady stream of visitors because of a sense of duty to family and friends, as well as filling in birth announcements (all the while struggling to feed and get on top of washing nappies.) Once my husband was back at work, I obeyed the health professional guidelines of getting out and about and seeing people even though it was ruinous for me physically and mentally. (Perhaps this may have helped for someone more extrovert, but I could have done with quiet time at home just sitting with my baby). Again, it's important to work out what you can manage.
Parenting requires you to be superhuman in many ways - any added pressures need to be carefully considered. If, like I did, you rush back to work to show off baby because your employers thoughtfully put a "can't wait to meet her!" note in with the flowers they sent, prepare to be worn out if you do it too early. (Such a phrase isn't usually meant to be interpreted so literally.)

4thSister

Like all of the advice in this series, though - just work out what works for you. Family, friends, health professionals and the entire internet will be chipping in telling you what is best for you and baby. As a first-time parent can take some working out, but as a parent, you are the one who should be able to make these decisions.






Links that came up when I Googled this subject which may also help:

https://www.breastfeeding.asn.au/10-big-tips-visiting-new-baby-%E2%80%93-and-being-asked-back

http://athomedad.org/the-dos-and-donts-of-visiting-a-newborn-and-hisher-family/

http://www.madeformums.com/baby/10-rules-for-visiting-all-mums-with-newborns-need-to-know/12387-4.html

http://www.scarymommy.com/rules-for-visiting-a-new-mom/

http://www.mothermag.com/visiting-new-babies/ - I like this one because it reminds you not to forget about Dad!

7 Quick Takes: just random bits and bobs!

1

I often write my Quick Takes to a theme but it says a lot about what this week has been like that I haven't had much space or clarity to put a theme together. I've been on countdown to a school holiday (which starts today...yay!) And ironically finally getting on top of things at seven weeks post-op (back to work, back to baking, back to visiting grandparents every week, back to playing Legos on the floor)....and now it's time for a lull. A MUCH NEEDED lull. You hear me, 4thSister?

2

I can't ignore the fact that Halloween is approaching, especially now that 1stSister will be going to two parties and trick a treating with friends. As usual we will be doing a Saint themed supper the next day - which is usually gorier than the supposedly evil stuff, when you think about some of their deaths - but leave a bit of room for the kids to do and get into the dressing up and the scary. I don't advocate all the aspects of "celebrating" Halloween but agree to a large extent with the sentiments of Dan Lord and this priest, Christians of all denominations can be misplaced in their attitudes against it, I think. For those  wanting to move away from the spookier aspects however, I noticed that the Christian charity World Vision, rather than moaning about Halloween or seeking to abolish it, have launched a fundraising campaign via supermarket sold pumpkins, asking people to carve hearts in their pumpkins and donate. This to me seems to strike just the right balance.

3

I made a shockingly awful soup with the above pumpkin (which I bought to eat after all not to carve) but am hoping to redeem myself with a beetroot and coconut milk soup. I also made pear and hazelnut cake yesterday, ostensibly to use up pears, but it didn't really taste of either major ingredient even though it was nice. (that was the obligatory food bit of this post.)

4

I have been telling people that 4thSister has come through her clingy, obsessive phase but now we have discovered tantrumsville! Bear in mind I had stomach surgery seven weeks ago...wrestling her into a supermarket trolley against her will was not fun. But we needed food staples, so I had to be the boss. And she did complain loudly for the first two minutes of the shop but then found something she liked to look at and forgot to be angry. Meanwhile around forty to fifty people probably looked at us making a huge hullabaloo. (I am so glad I have four kids and can be chilled out about meltdowns with this one as his too shall pass....)

5

Mind you her obsession with Wheels on the Bus hasn't moved on. Fair play she does like watching Peppa Pig on YouTube rather than endless #WOTB on repeat, but today all 6 chairs were pulled into bus formation as we drove some very special passengers around the kitchen to the seaside!

6

Theologically, I had a Quiet Day at a retreat house and learned about St Clare on Saturday, which was just amazing. And then I went on a church hop on Sunday, as potential priests often do, but had arrived not in time for a service, but instead coffee and cake! I did learn about their mission work but my main Sabbath thought was, thank you God for a straightforward gallbladder removal to enable me to participate in his event as fully as possible....mmmm cake! (See how I can make a theology post transform into something tasty? Hermione Granger you have nothing on me!)

7

This probably covers all the aspects of my week apart from music! As I am still not up to evening commitments I am not rehearsing with choir until 2016, which is disappointing but necessary...however wouldn't you just know that 1stSister wants me to accompany her clarinet practice on the piano so I have two tunes to learn to help me feel musically valuable! When at home I listen to BBC Radio 6 as much as possible as it plays lots of my old and new favourites and heard a song I hadn't listened to for ages by Buffalo Tom who I never appreciated in the 80s or 90s but first heard in my twenties. Not cheery but I love it. 

Head over to This Ain't the Lyceum for more Quick Takes and to read Kelly's essential post on essential oils!