Preparation and Penance?: Striving for Humility in Advent

A little while back, I posted on how I'm quite happy that I'm following my calling of motherhood and homemaking, fulfilled by not achieving my academic potential. I'm afraid that was only a representation of the truth. I'm a proud, proud fraud.

Although I DO love cleaning, baking, preparing meals, wiping little bottoms and so on (not that I do enough of all this!!), and feel very fulfilled while immersed in it, if this were all there had been in my life, I'm not sure whether it would be enough.

Although I laugh when my children get confused when Daddy says Mummy is quite clever, my University of Oxford education often sustains me. Yes! I was clever enough to go there, my ego tells itself. And I managed to read a lot of books! And pass a lot of exams!

Although I happy to be referred to as Mrs, I am permitted to go by the title Dr due to my acquisition of a PhD eight years ago, and if people don't realise that, or call me Miss, or comment on my being Dr Standen but then continue to call me Mrs, only my husband can tell you how angry I get! Sometimes I use my credit card that says Dr on it because I want to show off my status, in a very different way that I like to tell people I am the mother of three wonderful girls.

Obviously there are issues here. When I was younger, my academic abilities were championed at the expense of other things I could do, but not as well; I never felt that I had to work that hard at being clever, which felt fraudulent in itself. Few of my contemporaries at school saw academic achievement as a good thing. For years I kept my academic successes hidden away because I was ashamed, and because I felt they detracted from how people related to me when they found out I could use my brain well. The fact that I have qualifications but have not gone on to publish confounds some people; conversely, my fellow PhD students can't believe I gave up my career to focus on motherhood.

But really, people generally don't care (and if they do, they have their own issues with status.) And after all God gave me this brain to use well, and I have, and I may keep on doing so. But I really need to practice letting go of the awards this brain of mine has achieved. Yes, slogging for a PhD was really hard work, and it's nice to have the thesis on my shelf (for one thing, it presses dried flowers beautifully.) But it doesn't define me as a person, and if I'd never undertaken it, I wouldn't want to feel regret or bemoan that I was 'only' a mother.

I know I have had opportunities others never get. I don't consider them a waste, but I don't consider them something here and now in my life - they are like the plaque on a wall commemorating my former self. I've evolved into something new, who now studies theology with a passion but loves, despite her feminism, to place herself firmly in the kitchen. Of course I feel God's hand on this whole journey. I feel the gifts he has given me all come together with a synergy that may take me somewhere else he wants me, if he needs me to.

I found out this week that someone whose gifts, talents and self I really respect turned down the opportunity of a similar education to mine, and it just blew me away. The fact that we don't have to do the status thing. We don't have to hide behind labels. We need to do what we discern is right for us. We have to be honest and humble, like the Father sees us. He has His plans for us, and although the human world may place certain attributes higher than others, He just wants us to serve, as we grow into the people he designed us to be. I've been dissing Saint Paul over at Conversion Diary this week, but he was quite right telling us that the way the world perceives wisdom may be foolish God. And of course Jesus too asks us not to seek the praise of humans.

This Advent I've felt myself being stripped bare little by little; feeling overawed by the heritage stemming from Genesis that we view through the Jesse tree. Realising that even if I mind that my minister sees me mainly as a mother, a helper and a volunteer, then my ego needs to re-adjust. Realising that being a mother, or an academic, or managing to turn in my next assignment for my theology course, is not the important thing. Listening, and responding; awaiting the coming of Jesus; letting loose pride and taking on humility, are.

It's not a fundamentalist interpretation, but I surely don't believe there was just Mary and Joseph in that stable. SOMEONE would have helped them out, brought them water, gave help through labour. But that someone has been lost forever in history. Their role in ensuring the Messiah came to us safely doesn't matter to anyone but God. And that's okay.

Wordless Wednesday: October city break

If I had time, it would surely be a wordy Wednesday, even though my fingers are chilled to the bone! But I have much to do: taking delivery of two weeks worth of groceries that got blocked because of the snow, and organising for our Pram Service Christmas party for 25 under-fives this afternoon, so just a few pictures for today, of when it was less cold here in the UK!:

7 Quick Takes Vol 3

1) We're snowed in! Well, technically we can get to the supermarket, but schools are closed and my husband has been working from home. The family, altogether, not having to be anywhere.

2) Being snowed in has its advantages, even though the kids are sick of each other. We're not rushing around. It's Advent, and the highlight of our day is opening the Calendar and sticking the next ornament on the cardboard Jesse tree. We're not doing much - baked some snowflake cookies, made some soup, watched some movies. It ties in with the season.

3) I'm thinking about those it affects adversely. Especially the homeless. My bed was freezing last night when I got in it. But I have a bed. And shelter. And heating. I give thanks.

4) I also have food, even though my grocery delivery was cancelled. (They said they could re-deliver in 6 days time. 6 days time?!!) My husband popped out for nappies (diapers) and essentials. But we are kind of living out the freezer. I defrosted some meatballs in tomato sauce so we could have a hot lunch. It reminds me that we have opportunity to buy the food we want most days if we need to. I'm waiting to see if my fruit and vegetables get through this morning.

5) A week ago we finished reading The Long Winter by Laura Ingalls Wilder. We're not snowed in for months, getting down to our last potato, in temperatures of -40, enduring blizzard after blizzard. But I can empathise a little with them, and it makes me admire them all the more. How DID they survive that pioneer winter, all in the same house, tired, cold, hungry, without killing each other? OK, even saintly Ma got snappish at one point according to Laura, but honestly - I couldn't do it.

6) The first day it snowed, I manage to engage (well, semi-engage) the big girls in wrapping ALL of the Christmas gifts we have so far purchased. Job well done! I'm trying not to put the tree up until the third Sunday of Advent this year. Usually I'm an early Christmas person (our cake was baked in September) but this year I'm trying to place more emphasis on Advent.

7) Did I mention we're loving the Jesse tree? The kids are enjoying the OT stories - we had Abraham's Veggie Tale yesterday (not the best of the series, but it's something that they know) - and I'm getting a real sense of the waiting, from Eve through Noah and Abraham, for the birth of Jesus. And we're not even at the prophets yet! Hopefully it will rub off on the kids too, and shift the focus from waiting for Santa to waiting for the Son of God. (Mind you, Monday is St Nicholas' day, so Santa Claus will get a look in!) The Conversion Diary tips have helped set apart the season very nicely thanks Jen.

Thanks to Jen at Conversion Diary.